Tag Archives: grief

Fear, Unedited!

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I woke this morning to the heartbreaking news that yet another one of our community members had committed suicide. My heart bleeds for my community, my country, and my human family. This is as everyone says a ‘trying time’ and I know a lot of you, are suffering out there. As I went on my morning walk, I felt inspired to write, and even as I sit here writing I am not sure if this is for others or myself. (guess I decided to share!)

The first thing I want to say is this virus and the way it has been handled has caused a lot of anxiety and stress. I am mainly referring here to the way the media reports its data. Since the start of it, I have chosen not to turn on the media coverage because I learned long ago that the media is a business like any other. They not unlike Facebook want to keep you tuned in and turned on to their stories. And what sells … FEAR!

 

Fear sells, fear keeps people coming back, fear stories make us feel vulnerable and frightened and we combat that with trying to control and get more information, so we know how to cope. So we tune in again and again in the hopes of getting more info so we can control the situation. This business, the news, keeps you buying what they are selling by selling more fear. Now I am not going to get into ‘conspiracy theories’ or other things about what is going on, this is not the time or place to discuss that as it takes away from the main point. Which is this …. if you are constantly tuning into the media then you are choosing to consume an unhealthy amount of fear, in an already frightening time!

 

The media, as mentioned is a business. They get ratings just like any other product or show out there and they want viewers/consumers, so they use their time wisely. One of the best courses I ever took in school was the sociology of media and mass communication. It was the most eye-opening course. And the main thing I left with from this course was that a LOT of time, money, and energy goes into making you buy their product … from what colours are dominant in the show to how they report things. I, for probably the first time through all of this, chose to watch a clip last night it was only a couple minutes but in that time I could see (and was disgusted) at the ‘news’. The clip was warning about the upcoming long weekend, which is fine, (I guess), but to drive home the fear factor they said “in Canada, we have had (I can’t remember the number but it was big) cases of the virus”, they chose to report the overall number. So if you look at the raw numbers, our numbers in Canada have been decreasing for a while, so instead of saying how many new cases we had which were around 630, they reported the big overall number of cases over the past six months! Why? To make it more frightening! They then proceeded to say that the numbers among young people have been on the rise but failed to state the number of cases. Now I don’t know what that number is and I am not doubting that it has increased, somewhat, but my questions are – increased from what? (0?) To what? And what is the total %, in comparison? I suspect they did not report that number because it was not significant enough to cause panic!

If you chose to listen to the media and it is your choice then I suggest you counter it with raw data and you consume it with some awareness of how words are chosen, to stress their point. For example, the media will cover a story and say “more than….” Because that sounds better than “only” ie more than 300, our minds automatically (because we are wired this way) go to 390ish, when if you really look at the raw data with no commentary the number is more like 305. The choice of ‘more than’ is the fear-inducing language that keeps you coming back.

I think that is enough about that because it is what it is and I write that only to give some perspective that hopefully some of you will take on board and become a bit more of a choosey consumers or at least start to recognize that you need to be cognizant of what you are feeding your mind.

 

 

 

 

What I also wanted to talk about is fear and anxiety. I have talked about this a lot in my podcast, my blogs, and with clients. Fear only exists in the future it is never in the present moment! And it is always a forecast, created in our mind of some dreadful story that brings on anxiety. We hyper-focus on that story being ‘truth’ and we live like it is inevitable! This anxious energy brings on more anxious energy until we cannot take it anymore. We are fearful of everything and everyone, we have convinced our self that nothing good will happen and that people are judging us and that life is crap!

Then comes the depression because who wouldn’t be depressed at the future you are forecasting in your mind, it’s all doom and gloom! This of course is fed by the media and society at large, there are so many, (I would say a majority of people) who are fearful of some disastrous version of the future, especially now. Fear currently, especially is never in short supply!

This was driven home to me the other day. I had an interesting interaction in a store. A kid probably about 11 or 12 was standing outside a store I assume waiting for his family. There was a sign saying 12 people allowed in the store, this child continually kept counting and updating those of us outside that they could not go in until someone left he was very concerned about going over the 12 number. Then like a Wal-Mart greeter, he would announce when someone left how many could now enter. He was completely preoccupied with it!

I was standing next to him watching and waiting, as I stood there he advised me where the hand sanitizer was and I told him I can’t use it, his face showed shock and he stuttered in complete disbelief ‘how do you …”, I cut him off as he was struggling to comprehend, and said I wash my hands. He looked at me with a quizzically look, like it wasn’t computing how washing your hands could be enough. I could feel how anxious he was, my internal voice said to tell him I was not fearful of the virus. I debated in my head for a moment, then the reality of the situation sunk in … he is 12 and he is freaked out about this and that is all he knows. So I looked at him and said I am not fearful of this virus.

The look on his face was priceless. He looked at me first in shock then in confusion, it was like he couldn’t compute someone not being afraid of it. I am glad I said it because looking back I think it is sad that a young child of that age was more concerned, on his last weekend before school, about the number of people in a store, than he was about being a kid and playing. Now I understand this was not his whole life and I hope he did go home and play that afternoon, but what this did show me is that there is a lot of fear, and for the majority of people out there they don’t know what to do with it, it is consuming them!

I hope this doesn’t come off judgmental because I get it! Even with all my tools, my experience and knowledge of our minds, and how they work, not to mention my pretty rock-solid faith, there are times when I am out and about that I feel overwhelmed, I can feel the fear energy and it is consuming. Further, as an empath, I do try to protect my energy but when it is so strong it can be difficult! I feel for all those people out there who haven’t yet realized they are empaths, and for all those who are sensitive to collective energies (we all are to some degree) as it must seem unbearable at times. This is especially true for kids as they still have a strong grasp on their imagination and if we are programming that imagination with dread, doom, and gloom, then you can only imagine how they can build that up (even more than we do) into a hopeless vision of the future.

I have seen it said a lot on social media that the deadliest part of this virus is the virus of fear that is spreading, and I completly agree!

 

So, I leave you with this… If you are feeling fear that is ok, stop judging yourself but start making healthier choices turn off the fear machine,  and come back to the present moment. You are … in this exact moment, safe. Try repeat affirmations of ‘I am safe’, ‘I am protected’, ‘everything will be ok’. Self-soothe with some serious self-compassion, and if you are feeling strong enough be there for others.

If you feel overwhelmed, reach out, you are not alone! There are a lot of great resources out there. I am here for those who want some resources or tools, I will be more than happy to share my wisdom. (Just to be clear yes I am a businesswoman but before that, I am part of this human family and if people are suffering and I can help I will do my best to do what I can.) So please feel free to reach out to me, if that is what resonates with you.

In the meantime, I wish you all well, I wish you all peace! My wish is that you will be able to find hope in this trying time. We are all stronger than we realize, and we can do it if we work together and build each other up with some love, hope, and compassion!

Spread LOVE, HOPE and COMPASSION!

 

Why Do We Need to Hurt?

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This past month marks 5 years since Woody passed, I started reflecting on all the changes that I have made over those years. That got me asking… why is it that it took a major loss for me to find myself!

It is funny, (and kind of sad) to think that I needed, and I think most of us do need, a big shakeup to get us to reevaluate things and make changes. Why does it have to be this way? Why do we need to be devastated and shaken to our cores to actually start listening to ourselves?

I am not the only one, I have found this with most of my clients too, they have come to coaching because they have had some big life event happen, relationships breaking up, loss, divorce, losing a job, a risk to their health … something big happened that shook them up and they realized they needed and wanted more.

Why do we need to hurt?

I ask myself this all the time. I do consult calls with people who know they want something different, who are in one way or another suffering in their current life. They completely agree and recognize they are not happy, but they are not willing or ready to make any changes.

No judgment!

That was me, the whole time before Woody passed, I knew that I wanted more for my life, but I stayed with what I knew because it was comfortable. That is the number one reason, I think people don’t make changes. And why they wait until they are forced to. We get comfortable! The more comfortable we get the stronger the fear of making changes gets. The stronger the fear, the quieter (or at least the less we hear) the voice inside us telling us that there is more.

 

 

It’s like comfort kills the voice of our dreams!

 

I have recently been listening (again) to ‘The Alchemist’ by Paulo Coelho, if you haven’t read or listened to this book, I highly recommend it. It has a great story with great life lessons intertwined. As I was listening, one gem, in particular, talked specifically about this, the character stated, “I don’t know how to deal with change because I’m used to the way I am”. This really speaks to that being comfortable piece, but it also speaks to settling. I can attest to that, too!

 

 

 

As I mentioned, I was comfortable in my old life, sure I wanted more from my career and my relationship, but it was OK, so I settled. There definitely was a voice inside telling me that my dreams were not being realized, that I was settling, that I was not being all of me, that I was hiding my gifts and talents (or at least using very little of them), overall I was playing small. Looking back, I am sure that is why I felt stressed most of the time! It’s stressful suppressing your dreams, and who you are, and what you know you are capable of doing! It kind of feels like now, had I listened to this voice things could have been different; but because I didn’t the only way the Universe could get me to wake up and pay attention was to shake me up … and that is what it did!  

What is it about change that scares us so much?

In my experience, we as a collective see change as something daunting, and scary and most of us equate it with negative outcomes, (probably because of our negatively wired brains). So, we shy away from the very thought of it. I think for most of us, this fear controls us, we convince ourselves, “you should just stay where you are, it’s safe, known and things could be worse on the other side”.

 

Yes, things could be worse that is a possibility, BUT it is just as likely they could be great! And in my experience, that is usually what happens!

 

 

We never seem to see that side; we only see the worst scenarios playing out. I can’t tell you how many people including myself, who have gone through something major in their life and we end up creating a new life that is even better than we ever expected.

What changes?

I think when your life has been thrown into turmoil your perspective shifts. You lose that fear of change. In a way, because you have been forced to change, it suddenly doesn’t seem so scary! It’s like you have learned (or been forced) to embrace change!

Also, I think you are more willing to risk, you have already lost, so it is less daunting. And this combination allows us to override that negative mind, so we grab life by the horns and say, “let’s do this!”

The thing is…

This option is available to everyone one of us, at any moment, we just need to choose to take it! 

 

 

 

That is why I wanted to write this blog, I hope it reaches some of you out there who, like me, have that little voice telling you that you were meant for more, that you are playing small and that it is time to step up!

 

 

 

My hope is this will amplify that voice, and be the encouragement, you need to move past the fear stories that your mind has created. If this has stirred something up in you then go get it, don’t wait for life to throw you into it!

We all deserve happiness!

P.S. You are stronger than you think, and you don’t need trauma to show you that. If this is you… take a deep breath, start tuning into that voice, trust in yourself and take steps towards your dreams, it’s not nearly as scary as your mind leads you to believe!

 

 

A Tidal Wave of Grief

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I read once that grief comes in waves and when I envisioned it, I assumed that the waves gradually got smaller as they do in the ocean as it comes to the shore. What I didn’t expect is that sometimes the waves are tidal size waves and sometimes they are little baby waves and there is no way to predict which one is coming!

This past week marks the 5th year since my husband passed and on our wedding anniversary, I got hit with a tidal size wave from out of the blue! There were no warnings … just bam! Like all the significant special dates that remind me of him I psychologically prepare myself and our anniversary is usually a big one as when he was ill it was on our anniversary that things really started taking a turn for the worse, he then passed just over a week later, so needless to say it is an emotional time for me and I know 5 years may seem like a lot of time to some but for me the shock and trauma I experienced through the short 3 months of his illness is still something I cope with.


So back to the tidal wave… like I said I knew it would be emotional but what I didn’t expect was the barrage of guilt and self-blame that came on this particular wave. I know that there is sometimes survivor guilt and I think in the bargaining stage there is definitely some guilt but what I got was none of those, it was full-on assault from my mind on how I was the WORST person alive and was a horrible wife and so on and so on. This was new for me as I had not really had a lot of self-blame sure a little bit that I could have done more, been more compassionate etc but this was way more than that, this was a downright assault on my character, all from my own mind. I am so grateful that I have the tools that I do as I was able to stay afloat during the wave of emotions and keep my head above water. I have spoken with a few other widows and we have shared stories but I have not found in the literature the kind of guilt and self-blame that I experienced, so I thought I would write about it because I am sure I am not the only one who has had this happen and I am hoping for those of you who find this it will be a comfort to know that you are not alone!

Why I think this came up so strong for me this year is that in the past 5 years I have been on what I call my journey to authenticity I have been finding out who I really am beyond all the stories and mind chatter. And in the past year, there has been some major growth and I have really started to feel sure-footed in who I am, this confidence and strength have allowed me to make some changes in my life. I started dating, I have been able to reclaim my house and let go of the things I was holding on of my husbands, and I was able to finally set him free in the form of releasing his ashes all of which I felt sure about at the time I was doing them. But then this anniversary came and the tidal wave of self-judgment and guilt, most of which was around one major realization that I have had this year is that who I was back then was responsible for a good share of our relationship being as trying as it was! Through my journey I have realized that I expected a lot from him because I was not there for myself, what I mean by that is I did not love myself, therefore, expected him to show me how much of a good person I was and that I was worthy of the love that I was withholding from myself. This is not a good foundation for a relationship, because for the one needing the reassurance there will never be enough as you don’t believe it anyway, because you don’t love yourself or feel lovable.

Sound a little confusing … it goes like this because I had a core belief that I was not worthy of love I withheld it from myself by being SUPER critical and judgey of everything I did, I was a perfectionist who could never measure up to the impossible standards, all of this was reassuring my belief that I am unlovable. This was all going on for years before I met my husband (as most of our beliefs are set when we are toddlers) anyway enter a relationship and they start telling you wonderful things about you, and that they love you BUT that is in direct contradiction to the belief that you are not worthy of love and are unloveable, so guess where the mind goes “he’s just saying that”, “he has to say that because he married you”, “he doesn’t mean it”, “if he really loved me he would/wouldn’t…” and all the other ways our mind negates things that go against a belief we hold. Because that’s the thing about our beliefs they live in the subconscious and we always seek out information to prove they are correct, even if that means it hurts. So, the whole time I was thinking that our relationship was not as good as it could be, because he didn’t really love me, guess what it was me not being able to see that he did.

 

With this realization and a few others, it became increasingly clear to me that my version of our relationship was not (and this is always the case) the real version, it was what I saw through the lens of my beliefs, perceptions, and stories. This became abundantly clear this year as I started to repeat the same patterns in a new relationship and had a front-row seat to how this belief was playing out which made me realize that I was not as innocent as I thought.

Anyway, back to the tidal wave of guilt! With all of these realizations I couldn’t help but wonder would our relationship have been better (and I am sure it would have been) had I been the real me (the person I am now) rather than the old version of me… and there is the guilt!

After doing a lot of self-compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness I came to terms with the fact that I was doing the best that I could with what I had and that is all I can ask of myself. I truly believe that we all are doing our best at any given moment, and I have no problem accepting that in others, it was just a little harder to swallow for myself. But that is the beauty of challenge it shows us areas where we need to grow and as far as I have come, I still have some more work around loving, accepting and forgiving myself. And that is what this tidal wave was all about, I needed to release this energy and continue to grow in the area of self-love.


I hope some of this resonates with you out there and you can take my experience as an opportunity for you too to grow.

Namaste