What if Everything You Want is on the Other End of Patience

Posted on August 30, 2019March 6, 2021

I have to admit patience is really not my strong suit I struggle to stay patient especially when I am passionate about something. This has been a big lesson, that I am still learning, especially with my business.
When I started out building TSW Life Coaching I was passionate and felt in my core that coaching was exactly what I was meant to do, I just knew it and still do! The thing that I didn’t realize at that point is that I had my own growing to do and that would take precedence over my business. This was my journey and it has taken me a long time to accept that things happen in exactly the right order at exactly the right time and my only responsibility is to have patience and be aware.

I have had so many instances of the Universe providing for me exactly what I need at exactly the right time that I can’t (even when I try to), deny that there is a Divine plan for me, there is for all of us. Where we find stress is when we try to control the situation, and we miss the opportunities along the way because we are so focused on the end goal that we miss the journey. Not to mention that we judge ourselves and compare ourselves along the way which makes the journey at points really miserable.

In my example, I am a way better coach than I was because I have taken the time, despite how much of a struggle it was at times to build myself before building my business. The growth and insight I have received on this journey has allowed me to serve my clients at a higher more in tune level and that was the reason for the longer than originally anticipated journey.

This doesn’t mean that I think my growth has stopped, I don’t think it ever does and that excites me! What I do think is that too many of us have a goal and all we do is focus on the end. Yes, it’s important to have goals but I think we need to focus on the journey as well and be patient and understand there are bigger things at play. In our culture we are all about doing, striving to reach for our goals pushing to make things happen, very masculine energy. There is nothing wrong with having goals and striving for them but when we only focus on the goal we miss out on life. We judge ourselves according to how close we are to the goal and we miss all the wonderful opportunities to grow along the way. We see this time as a necessary evil to reaching the goal but the perspective shift I have realized is that the journey to the goal is actually the steps needed to make the goal manifest. Even when those steps seem to be taking you in a different direction they simply are a new route to the goal that is even better than we had envisioned.

From my life as I have said in working on my business I have been challenged to grow and learn more about myself. This growth and learning have resulted in me creating something even better and more authentic to who I am than I ever could have envisioned in the beginning. Once I accepted this and really tried to lean into having patience (as hard as it is at times), the more I realized that the journey has brought myself and my business to a better place.

I guess the takeaway from this is set your goals but remain open to what it looks like to get to that goal. Be patient with the process and enjoy the journey along the way. Stop beating yourself and stressing yourself out because you are not getting to the goal as fast as you would like. Just trust in the journey!

Cougar, Bears, Bobcats & Trust! What the Wilderness taught me about myself and the Universe.

Posted on August 3, 2019August 3, 2019

Life always gives you what you need when you need it and this lesson in trust was exactly what I needed, and no surprise when I needed it!

Last summer I had a desire to spend some time in nature with my dog. It’s like I was being drawn to the woods. I listened to this calling and took a week off from work, not really sure what I was going to do. I reached out to family to see if they had some suggestions on places where I could go, my uncle had a cabin that he said I could use. Perfect, I thought! I had never been to their cabin but things were falling in place so I trusted that this was where I should be! I took the leap of faith, packed up the car and the dog and off I went to my uncles’ cabin in the woods.

When I got there it was gorgeous, it was in the woods on a lake … it was perfect! What I didn’t realize is that it was in a small community of cabins that were pretty much abandoned during the week. Which meant I was going to be pretty much alone out there. At first, this did not bother me, I had at this point in my life become very accustomed and comfortable with being alone.

My uncle showed me around the cabin, which was built on a hill, the main part of the cabin was on the top of the hill and there was a steep staircase outside down to a basement/spare bedroom which was built into the hill. The basement/spare room was rustic, (like you could see the tree roots and tree trunks) in parts of the basement. Usually, this part of the cabin was locked with a padlock, as the only entrance to it was from the outside. My uncle showed it to me despite me objecting, as I didn’t think I would really need it, thank goodness he did, as you will see in a minute. During the walkthrough my Uncle also shared with me that they have cougars in the area he had seen tracks right outside the cabin at different times throughout the year, and that there was a grizzly bear that other residents stated lived just across the field, and that they had witnessed black bears in the area, oh and maybe some bobcats too! I am not that outdoorsy and more than anything I was concerned about my dog, who at this point was losing her mind because on top of all the dangerous animals there were squirrels and my dog loves to chase things, especially small rodents.

After getting all settled in, I decided to take my dog for a walk. We ventured out with some apprehension as I had never been there and to be honest my dog is my baby, so I was concerned for her safety (as I often am). We took a walk and found a path to walk for a bit. It was nice, I soaked in nature. Feeling more grounded and mostly calm, because on my walk I had realized this was the first time since Woody passed away that I had been on a trip completely on my own. I had travelled on my own but always had people to meet up with or conferences to attend, this time I was completely ALONE! This thought was exciting but as with anything outside of our comfort zone was also uncomfortable and so I was also feeling a bit anxious.

We (my dog and I) spent the rest of the day enjoying the lake and the woods… then returned to the cabin at night time.

It was a bit nerve-wracking being there with Bramble in the dark as she was on high alert for squirrels and I was definitely on alert for any potential risks. Not that it felt overwhelming but just on alert!

I went to bed in the QUIET absolute silence, which was nice but also made it obvious how very alone I was!

About 2:00 am I was awoken by my dog. Once I got my bearing from being startled awake, she let me know she needed to go outside. I turned the outside lights on (giving the wildlife fair warning to disperse, at least that was my thoughts and left them on for a minute before we ventured outside). Bramble was of course on a leash because as mentioned she loves to chase things and I didn’t want her running off chasing a squirrel in the dark. We walked out the sliding door and as there were now moths and mosquitos swarming the lights, I turned to slide close the door behind me. Didn’t even have a second thought about it, it was a sliding door with a latch lock, no worries, right?!?!

Bramble walked around outside well truth be told she hunted around, turns out she just wanted out to hunt squirrels! I pulled her back on her long leash and we turned to open the sliding door… it didn’t open! It was locked! OMG!!!! Sliding doors don’t lock, I thought so I pulled a little harder feeling more frantic and the anxiety rising!

It didn’t open! OMG!!!OMG!!! OMG!!! I was alone in my PJ shorts in the middle of the isolated wilderness with bears and cougars and god knows what else lurking in the shadows, not to mention being eaten alive by mosquitos and I was ALONE! Absolutely, ALONE!

My car was locked, the cabin was now locked, and I didn’t even have shoes on! As I sat on the picnic table fear quickly turned into a complete state of panic! What was I going to do?

There were not a lot of options.

I took a couple of deep breaths put a couple of prayers out to the Universe and I’m sure swore a couple of times. Fear had completely settled in now and as our minds do, I went to some pretty dark places. I envisioned myself still on the picnic table hours later covered in welts from the mosquitos, I pictured a grizzly bear, and bobcat and cougar coming to check us out (oh the places our minds go) After what seemed like an eternity of running through devastating scenarios, my warrior instinct kicked in … I was familiar with this part of myself as it had come in useful in dealing with Woody’s passing. I mustered up my courage and calmed myself down so I could think. I started making plans on how we were going to make it through the night. No sooner than I summoned the warrior in me did I remember there was the basement and it was unlocked (thank goodness my uncle insisted on showing me this part of the cabin).

I went into the basement and looked around to see if there was anything, I could use to get me out of this situation. I could have just stayed in the basement, but it was dark and to a city girl like me a little creepy, who knows what creepy crawlers and rodents were hiding in the shadows. If need be, at the very least, I had somewhere to be until dawn! As I looked around feeling more inspiration and more trust in my abilities, I scoured the basement to see if there was something, I could use to open the door. I found a few random things screwdriver, a dragonfly metal ornament with a flat edge (I thought I could flip the latch) and a few other random items that could maybe push the latch up. I tried them one at a time…. Nope, nothing worked!

I kept looking around and then there it was … a LADDER … YAY!

I took the ladder outside after struggling to free it from its place hanging on the wall. I placed the ladder next to the only window that was unlocked (it had the air conditioner vent in it). The ladder just and I mean like JUST reached the window. Remember the cabin is built on a hill so the ladder was sitting on uneven ground, and in order to reach the window, I would have to stand on the top step, the one that clearly says do not stand on. I again mustered my strength and carefully climbed the shaky ladder and stood on the very top. There I was like 6 feet up, all the time being aware that there could be any number of wild animals watching me! Probably licking their teeth at the prospect of me breaking my neck on this shaky ladder.

After some struggle and a lot of persistence, I was able to push the hose for the air conditioner out of the window which left me a small opening to get through. This whole time I had Bramble locked in the basement, I could hear her at times trying to open the basement door to get to me or more likely squirrels.

After taking a deep breath I stretched my leg up and got it through the opening, still not totally sure I could get my whole body through this small window, but I had to try! I sat there straddling the window in the middle of the dark, quiet woods, trying to find my footing on the inside of the cabin, when my tippy toe found something that felt stable, I made the push to get in through the window. Although I am sure not so gracefully, I made it through and stumbled into the cabin.

I almost cried with relief. I was so proud of myself! I didn’t give up; I had shown again I was stronger than I thought, and I had not given into the fear and anxiety that had plagued my mind just minutes earlier. I quickly went and unlocked the door and this time I left it open, as I went basement to get Bramble.

Needless to say, I didn’t really sleep well the rest of the night my adrenaline was pumping. During the rest of the night, I again reflected on how I am stronger than and I think, and it was at this time I realized I am completely good on my own… I can do it!

I also realized although I am good on my own, that I don’t want to be alone anymore either! this was really the first time since Woody passed that I actually wanted someone in my life, I didn’t NEED them but actually wanted to share a life with someone again. This was huge for me!

This experience also reaffirmed to me that the Universe really does have my back, it really does provide us with what we need, when we need it. I am not only talking about the ladder here but the challenge itself which provided me with the opportunity to recognize that I am safe and capable and stronger than give I myself credit for.

The next day, I tried, out of pure curiosity, to make the latch lock on itself again, I tried numerous times to recreate the scenario from the night before (I did have the keys this time) and could not replicate the door locking.

Later, I spoke to my family and they said that it had never happened, and they were stunned (as I was that night) that the door locked. They even tried to make it happen since and have never been able to replicate the latch locking. I should also mention they were surprised that there was even a ladder out there, they didn’t know why it was there!

I truly believe it was the Universe providing me with a lesson I needed to learn and for that I am grateful!

I completed my wilderness escape the next day by going for a long hike to a waterfall and taking in nature in all its beauty. This renewed trust in my safety and trust in the Universe made this hike completely enjoyable. I was able to be present in the moment, enjoying nature. I was so trusting I even let Bramble off the lead, and she ran through the woods, loving the adventure.

This is not the first and I am sure not the last time I will be given challenges from the Universe that further prove to me I am safe, and strong and that the Universe really does have my back!

5 Life-Changing Resolutions for 2019

Posted on December 31, 2018December 31, 2018

The new year is a time when so many of us start taking stock of our lives in efforts to evaluate where we want to make some changes. Most of the time we focus on external changes that we feel will bring us happiness, but what most of us fail to realize is that happiness comes from within.

These 5 resolutions when practiced regularly are life changing! The simplicity of implementing in no way minimizes the positive effect they can have on your life.

Prioritize Self-Care

Too many of us, put ourselves last. We give to our family, our friends, work and even strangers, but when it comes to caring and giving back to ourselves, we simply don’t.

Sometimes it’s because we feel we are being greedy if we take time for ourselves, sometimes we feel we don’t deserve it, and sometimes we feel we just simply don’t have the time. Whatever the excuse, it’s this simple. If you continue to give to others and don’t care for yourself, you will eventually burn out!

It may come in the form of withdrawing from life, physical illness or feelings of resentment. However it manifests one thing is for sure if you neglect yourself, it definitely will!

This year vow to yourself to take care of you! You deserve it! Schedule time for self-care … and the important part … actually, enjoy that time. Do things that recharge your soul and bring you joy! If you don’t care for yourself who will?

Take Time to Pause (Practice Mindfulness)

We all lead busy lives and I understand that you may think “I don’t have time”. The thing is, if you don’t pause, life passes you by. Pausing means taking a minute to be mindful, to be in the moment, to really be present to the current experience. This is a simple thing that you can do at any point in your day. Take the time to just be, it’s like a daily recess for your mind, body and spirit.
Vow to yourself that every day, at least once a day you will pause and be in the moment. Who knows, you may like it so much that you practice it more often.

Practice Gratitude

I have written numerous times on the importance of practicing gratitude. It is something that all of us can do and its effects are life-changing. Gratitude shifts our mind from a feeling of lack and negativity to one of positive abundance. Who doesn’t want that?

Every day, take time to list at least 5 things that you are grateful for. Some days they may come quick, some days it may be a struggle. But stick with it and you will start to notice that it becomes automatic. All of a sudden you will start to notice you are not practicing gratitude, but living a grateful life and that is powerful!

Befriend your Inner Critic

We are our own worst critics! We are harder on ourselves than anyone else would ever be, and yes, there are protective aspects to our inner critic. (read more about your inner critic here). But we do not have to take the negative messages that we say to ourselves as the absolute truth. We have a choice!

When you recognize that you are being critical try having a conversation with yourself. Recognize the message then choose to not believe it, let it go if it is not helpful! Don’t let your inner critic hold you back this year, move past the negative messages. They are not the truth. Most of the time they are just fear!

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

This almost goes hand in hand with the inner critic. When we compare ourselves to others, we usually are either doing it in a way that minimizes us or degrades others, neither of which is helpful! Instead of comparing yourself, recognize that we are all different and we all have our unique journeys. The one thing we do all have in common is that we are all doing our best with what we have at any given moment.

Instead of comparing yourself try having compassion for both yourself and others. Know that you are doing your best and so are they! Don’t assume that you or others are doing things purposely to screw up or hurt you. I don’t think anyone wakes up in the morning excited, at the prospect of failing at life, we all try, but we all have our different ways. We all make our way through life the best we can.

This year, if you find that you are comparing yourself to someone else, stop and recognize that you are the best version of you and no one else in the world could do a better job of being you!

These are 5 simple things that you can implement today, but the effects are life-changing. When you are able to master these skills, suddenly you may notice that your other resolutions are either now irrelevant or seem easily achievable.

Whatever 2019 brings I wish you all the best for the New Year. My hope is that you are all able to live a life YOU love!

Thanksgiving Promise

Posted on October 7, 2018October 7, 2018

I speak about gratitude often, and with this weekend being Canadian Thanksgiving I am reminded of how important it is to have an attitude of gratitude all year round.

I have found in my practice, both my own and with my clients, that practicing gratitude is life changing! Here are a few ways how gratitude helps you:

1) Switch your thinking from a negative space to something lighter.

We are naturally hardwired to focus on the negative, that means that we spend a lot of our time in negative space. We look for the bad, we look for all the things that can harm us, but the fact is we are not at risk all the time, we don’t NEED to be constantly on guard. Therefore, when you notice that your mind is in a negative place you can retrain it by shifting it towards gratitude. Instead of being focused on the negative, be thankful for the fact that you are safe. Be thankful for Mother Earth, be thankful for your families and loved ones who support and help you; really anything that you can think of. Turn your negative thoughts into thoughts of gratitude and rewire your negative brain!

2) Move through fear.

I am sure I am not the only one who has been in an overwhelmingly joyful situation and suddenly a wave of fear rushes over and ruins the moment. We feel this joy, like when we are having a romantic evening with our spouse or a play date with our kids and all of a sudden, this wave of fear comes over us. We fear that our child could get sick that our spouse could leave us … that something horrible could happen to take away our happiness. When this happens, you can turn your mind towards gratitude. Instead of letting fear rob you of the joyful moment you can be thankful and joyful!

3) Recognize the good.

Just like training any muscle in our body the more we can turn our thoughts towards the good the stronger that muscle gets. By focusing on what you can be grateful for rather than what is going wrong we train ourselves to see the good. We build that muscle and after a while (when that muscle develops) we will automatically see the good in all situations. This even applies to life’s hard lessons when we are suffering. Because you have trained your brain to be grateful, you will be able to see beyond the suffering and recognize (no matter how small) the good in the situation. There is always something good in any situation, train yourself to see it. With every storm comes the rain that nurtures the Earth.

4) Grounds in the present moment.

When we are practicing gratitude, we are grounded in the present moment. Living in the past or forecasting the future causes us grief. When we are ruminating on the past, thinking and rethinking about what went wrong, what we could have/should have done; or, we are forecasting the future, let’s face it, it’s usually forecasting doom and gloom; we are not in the present, we are not living mindfully. When you practice gratitude, you are firmly grounding yourself in the present, you are using your powerful mind to focus on what is good, in the present moment, and that is exactly where we find peace.
I can’t speak enough about the power of gratitude, but I also know this can be a struggle when we are in the middle of a stormy time, but that is precisely when we need it most! All I can say is you won’t understand how powerful this practice can be unless you try!

This Thanksgiving make a promise to yourself that you will practice gratitude daily; take that Thanksgiving feeling with you into the future and see how life changing it can be! And remember there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for!

With much gratitude for your following, Happy Thanksgiving!

A New Reflection – Transformation Mind, Body & Soul

Posted on September 22, 2018October 4, 2018

I had an interesting experience in my yoga class the other week. I noticed my shadow when I was doing a pose and at first glance I didn’t even recognize it! I found this interesting, as over the past three years I have been doing a lot of work in the area of personal growth and spiritual awareness. It was at this point that I realized that I didn’t recognize my reflection because it was new, I was new!

Looking back over the past three years I am proud of the steps I have taken to move my life in a new direction, a direction towards creating a life that I love. It has been a lot of work and at times it has been difficult but it has been all worth it…I have a new reflection!

Seeing this new reflection has reminded on a literal level how our bodies carry our experiences. What I have found is once I started to sort through all my old patterns and beliefs, my body physically started to change.

I see it clearly now that as I was physically, emotionally and psychologically letting things go, that no longer served me, I was changing., my reflection had changed!

On an emotional level, I used to get quite teary at times, it was like my emotions were pouring out of me. I understand now that as I was at maximum capacity for stuffed emotions and, when something happened slightly emotional (that really wasn’t that significant), my emotions would run over. I no longer do this! Instead, I have learned to feel through my emotions, I used to stuff them down, so as not to appear weak and emotional, I can see now how unhealthy for me that was. This is something I think a lot of us do. When we stuff our emotions, they don’t just go away. They build up in our bodies and, at some point, we just explode. Perhaps that looks like anger, maybe it’s self- abuse, a “nervous breakdown”, or maybe it is acts of numbing; which I think is most common. On the surface, we may look like we are coping, but really, deep down, we are suffering! Now, that I allow my emotions rather than stuff them, my reflection now shows a less stressed more flexible, happier person. And that is pretty cool!

Perhaps the biggest way my reflection has changed is psychologically. I have learned to love and accept myself; this has probably been the hardest. I have learned that the thoughts running through my mind are not an absolute … I have a choice! I have learned that “I am who I am”. What I mean by this is I have learned to embrace the shadow aspect parts of me. The ones that I was previously, desperately tried to hide. I did this because I worried I would be judged and I was scared to show them. Now, I have learned to be compassionate with myself, to tame my perfectionist, befriend my inner critic and challenge myself. This awareness has been the most profound in my life. If you would have asked me three years ago if I even thought this level of self-awareness and happiness was possible, I would have doubted you! I believed this is just how life is but I realize now that this is just another story our minds tell us! It is not an absolute truth. I think a lot of us play the tape that there is something fundamentally wrong with us, and therefore we hide parts of ourselves and wear masks to try to prove to others we are OK. Without a doubt, this is what I was doing in the past, and it led to a very stressful, unhappy life. The thing is I didn’t even realize how unhappy until I started doing this work. When I stopped playing the tape that something is wrong with me, and I really started to see things clearly then I understood what real happiness was.

So, going back to my new reflection I am proud of the work I have done, I am happier because of the work that I have done and I embrace this new reflection! I am now in a much better place in my life. I know that I will continue to grow and learn, but now I am doing it from a place of curiosity and strength rather than a place of thinking there is something wrong with me and “I need to be fixed”.

This voyage is something anyone can do! I am no different than any of you. If you are willing to put in the work, willing to dive deep into yourself and willing to question your perceived reality, then you too can have a new reflection! Trust me, it’s so worth it!

If you are ready to get a new reflection, join me for a supportive body transformation class. Over the 7 weeks, you will be to given the tools you need to build confidence, love yourself for who you are, and get a new reflection! Ready for your new reflection, just click here.

When ‘Thank You’ Just Isn’t Enough!

Posted on September 9, 2018September 10, 2018

I had heard the word Namaste and used it at the end of my yoga classes and just took for granted that it meant “thanks”. It does in a way mean that, but it means so much more. What it actually means is really quite beautiful, so I have decided to use it outside of yoga class. It is such a great way to honour others.

So what does it mean?

Namaste means “I bow to the spirit in you”, I found one explanation that really spoke to me which was ‘the light (beauty, soul) in me recognizes and honours the light (beauty, soul) in you’. Beautiful, right? That is why I have chosen to use it more often!

What I decided

This whole realization came from a conversation with a coaching friend of mine, whose relationship has supported me in so many ways. We were having one of our in-depth conversations which was helping me see a new perspective and “thank you” just didn’t seem to be enough. I so value her awareness and wisdom that it felt like “thank you” just didn’t even come close to reflect the gratitude and respect that I was feeling. It was at this point that I bowed and said “Namaste”. This lead to further discussion on how I wanted to start using that blessing in my everyday interactions more. And then I decided I would! At first it felt like I was being a bit of an imposter because, although I practice yoga, I am not a yogi, but the message “Namaste” speaks is so genuine and universal, I don’t think you even have to practice yoga to use it!

I am fortunate, (as I am sure you are) to meet and work with so many amazing people and this is the perfect way for me to show my gratitude and respect to them. Whether it be through a casual conversation, an in-depth client interaction or a good chat with friends or family – whatever the situation – I find that when I want to honour someone for showing up and being authentic, thanks just doesn’t cut it!

Now, I have even found myself wanting to use it with people with whom I have less than desirable interactions with (maybe not all the time) but when I come across someone who is in a negative space and is taking that out on me, I still want to honour where they are at in their journey. So, I silently bow and send them the blessing.

What I have noticed is …

that when I do bow and say “Namaste” the energy that accompanies it is warm and wonderful for both me and them. Maybe it’s because I have this understanding of what it means, but I truly feel like in that moment I am honestly speaking to that person’s soul. Who they are, beyond their stories, challenges and present situations. The message goes so much deeper than all that mind chatter. For me, it is the perfect way to recognize and respect them for their authenticity, for who they truly are at their core. And really who doesn’t want to be recognized and honoured for their inner beauty and light?!

Why am I writing about this?

Because I am encouraging you to give this a try. See the reaction you get! It may be a curious look or maybe even a negative response, but the thing is, I am sure you will personally feel the positivity and connection that this simple, yet powerful message and gesture carry with it. The next time you feel you really want to show someone your gratitude, respect and honour them, simply put the palms of your hands together bow your head and say ‘Namaste’. I am sure you will be pleasantly surprised at how it makes you feel.

In closing, Namaste!

3 Ways to Bring Back Balance!

Posted on August 21, 2018August 21, 2018

Last week I talked about the issues with work~life balance and how that imbalance is unhealthy for us. This week I am going to give you some tips on how to create that balance for yourself.

Prioritize.

Make creating balance a priority. If you do not set balance as a priority you will easily fall back into familiar patterns and let your work take over your life. There are a few ways you can do this:

Set a schedule to help yourself build a new habit. Make a weekly schedule every Sunday for the upcoming week. Schedule in your work time and then schedule in the rest of life. Put in hobbies, family time, you time and anything else that you want to include outside of work. By scheduling it, you are committing to doing it, and showing how important it is to you.

Make a priority list. Write a list of all the things that you want to do, all the things that you have put off because there are “not enough hours in the day”, and start working on the list. Commit to yourself to do at least 5 things on the list a week. Make sure your list is not just a list of chores but fun things too!

Clock Out.

When you leave work, clock your mind out too! Practice mindfulness and be aware when you are thinking about work out of work time, and gently bring your mind back to the activity at hand. Whatever you are doing stay in the present with your attention focused on the activity. Even if that is just watching TV, do it wholeheartedly! This will also be a good time to notice how often your thoughts are straying to work. If you find you are starting to think about work, remind yourself that you want balance; bring your thoughts back to the present activity. If something really important comes to mind and you are unable to refocus yourself, then write yourself a note to look at tomorrow on work time, then go back to the present activity.

Start Re-Defining Yourself Outside of your Career.

Do some soul searching and look at all the things you are outside of your career. What other parts of you are there in the shadows that are not part of “work” you. This is a great time to look at hobbies that interest you, social groups, or classes that spark your curiosity. Do things that have nothing to do with “work” you. For example in my ‘spare’ time I used to read books on psychology, or social programs that had to do with “work” me. Now my hobby is my photography which has nothing to do with coaching, but lights my soul up.

Also, try playing with your communication, when people ask you what you do? Try answering with something other than work or at the very least put work last. Instead of I am a social worker, nurse, accountant, executive, lawyer etc, try answering with “I am a mother, daughter, wife, photographer, artist, musician (or other hobby), then end the sentence with “and a social worker, nurse, accountant, executive, lawyer etc. This may feel really hard and you may get some looks. By changing our language, we change the message we send to ourselves, this simple step helps you realize you are more than your career. You have many roles start highlighting some of those!

This can be challenging, a lot of us love our jobs, but the thing is we are more than that one role. We need to start defining ourselves as all of who we are, not just our careers. I know since I have found balance and made these changes I feel more complete. I no longer define myself by my career and that feels amazing!

I completely understand that many of you have important jobs and when you are reading this you might be skeptical, you might be saying “my career is important”, “I need my job to live” and those are probably true, but YOU are also important. Your job may come and go, if you restrict the definition of who you are to your career, then you are missing out on all the other wonderful aspects that are a part of you, too! Not to mention if there comes a time when you want to make changes, if you have completely defined yourself by your career then you won’t be able to see beyond that; to other possibilities and opportunities. We are all constantly growing, and life is ever changing we need to be able to be all of who we are not just a single aspect!

Work~Life Balance-What’s That?

Posted on August 7, 2018August 7, 2018

This is something that I hear a lot about. Many organizations, in the human services world especially, promote a healthy work-life balance, but what exactly is it? And do you have it?

Most people I come across do not have good work-life balance. Instead, they have a work-life and an exhausted-just-surviving-life balance. So many of us over identify with our careers and we feel that this is the way to a happy life. Now is the time to get the promotion, get the raise, get the accolades, then later when you retire or take a holiday, you can have the life balance. The thing is, this is not healthy. We cannot put our lives on hold or just survive in our lives for the sake of our careers.

Our lives are lopsided with a ton of our energy going to our jobs and that means there is little energy left for all the other areas of life. As a result, relationships, family, ourselves, all suffer for the sake of our careers.

When we put our lives on the back burner we tend to cause ourselves a lot of grief.

TOP 3 WAYS WE CAUSE OURSELVES GRIEF

Guilt

We feel guilty because we are not totally there for our family, friends or ourselves. We feel guilty and we shame ourselves about not being a good mom, not having a clean house, being a sucky friend, being a distant wife, being a busy Aunt. We feel guilty and we say things like “there is not enough time in the day”. We try to placate ourselves stating “Things will get better, I just need to do (this) to get ahead, to get the promotion, or get the raise, then I will have time.” This doesn’t usually do too much to quiet the voice in our heads that is telling us we are sucking at life outside of work, that we should be more social, should be a better mother, daughter, wife, should be a better friend!

It’s a vicious cycle really. The more guilty we feel, the more we turn to our careers because at least there you don’t feel so inadequate. At least there you are not feeling so guilty and shameful!

Over Identify with our Career

It is no longer a career, it becomes who you are. I know, I am guilty of that! In the past, I was Tara who was a human services worker not Tara who worked in the human services. Can you relate?

We are not our jobs! Yet so many of us feel we are. I think we get this way because we pour so much of our energy into our jobs that we feel it is who we are. Now I am not saying that it is bad if you love your job but when you are your job then that is unhealthy. If you sit and ask yourself ‘Who am I?’ and all you can come up with is your career, then that is unhealthy. You are so much more than that! The more we over identify with our career the more we feel we need to push ourselves to do better. Because now it defines us, so we better do a good job. This is when we work longer hours, we take our work home with us (maybe not literally but mentally), we focus all of our energy on work. This puts us in a very risky place. If, for some reason, we lose our job, or can no longer do it, we are faced with an identity crisis! Who am I if I am not a nurse, accountant, social worker, therapist, etc. The thing is, you are more than that, but you have created this imbalance and your life is work!

Stress

When we do not create a balance between life and work we do not give ourselves time to decompress. We are stressed all the time. We feel overwhelmed and exhausted because we are not giving ourselves the time we need to relax and enjoy life. Instead we work 8 hours or more, then come home and our mind is still working – not to mention the guilt that I already spoke about is causing even more stress. When we do take time for self-care (if we do) it is half-hearted and there is guilt that we should be doing something else. This is incredibly stressful and takes a toll on our health both physically and psychologically. We need balance to be healthy, we need balance to thrive in life!

Are you recognizing yourself in some of these? If so, you are not alone. Our culture focuses on our careers. What is one of the first questions you are asked when you meet someone? Usually it’s “What do you do?” We are taught that there is value in certain careers and that our careers are important. The thing is, that is only a part of who we are. I challenge you this week to honestly look at your life and ask yourself “Do I have a work-life balance?” Or is my life lopsided?

Tune in next week for some healthy ways to bring balance to your life.

Is your Reality Really Real?

Posted on June 1, 2018June 1, 2018

The more I learn about our minds, the more I understand the statement “We create our reality”. This may make you scratch your head, but really, everything we see and do in this life is filtered through our minds and, our minds although built the same, are our own unique filters to the world.

Think about this…

Have you ever had a disagreement with a friend or spouse because there was a “miscommunication”? They say something, and you hear or interpret something else? This is exactly what I am talking about. All of the information that is taken into our minds, like in the example what our friend said, is filtered through our incredible, individual minds. So we interpret the message, including the words, we hear the tone of voice, the hidden meaning, the connotation and the overall interpretation in our minds. Which means what they really said and what we actually understand can be two separate things.

Another example, say you are out in public and someone looks at you. Many of us start conjuring up a story in our heads that they are staring at us because there is something wrong with us. We start checking our teeth with our tongue, we maybe rub our face to make sure there is nothing on it, we adjust our clothes to make sure they are straight. All the while, there is a monologue running through our head. Your monologue could be any version of these (or maybe something a little different) “they are staring at me because I am dressed like a slob today”, “I look fat”, “they think I am loser”, “they are wondering why I am all alone”, “they think I am an idiot looking at the menu so long”, “they think I am ugly”, “they think why is she not working now”. On and on our story goes in our minds, our particular version of the story depends on our individual filters but what is common is that we all are making up a story. What really happened… this person looked in your direction, that’s it! Everything else you filled in with your mind, you created a whole story around one simple action. The thing is, we know nothing other than they looked in our direction. But because we have created this story, we operate in our world as our story is the truth. It may be true, but it just as likely not! We convince ourselves our story is reality. We say to our friends “There was this person at the coffee shop and they stared at me and gave me a look like….” We continue with our perception saying, “they are a jerk” and “how can they judge me”. WOW! We have now created a whole lot of anxiety and really all we know for sure is that this person looked in your direction, we are not even sure they were looking at us!

Does this sound familiar? This is how our mind works! It takes the information we receive and filters it, fills in the blanks and creates stories from what it perceives, all of which may or may not be true.

Is this a bad thing?

Not necessarily, but when we are not aware that we are on autopilot and that we are in a story, we are convinced that our version is truth and we operate as if it was true. We judge ourselves, close ourselves off to opportunities and cause ourselves a lot of unneeded stress, all for nothing! We are letting our minds run the show and we are just accepting that what it observed and created is actual fact. When we are on autopilot we miss all the other possibilities and because we are in our own heads we can completely misunderstand a situation. This is how our thoughts create our reality, we really do create our own reality based on the filters in our mind.

When we learn to come off of autopilot and we understand how our mind filters information. We have true power to either accept the stories it is feeding us or question them and get a different perspective. Ultimately, we have a choice! When we stop living on autopilot we are more aware and, therefore, empowered to choose our behaviors and actions out of awareness rather than living in the shadows of our mind.
This may sound a little foreign to you and maybe a little unbelievable but take a minute to really think about it. Have you ever watched a movie or show or read a book and then when you talked about it with someone else and they had a different understanding or remembered parts that you can’t recall or had a completely different take on it? That’s because your filters are unique to you and theirs are unique to them and what REALLY happened in the movie, show or book was filtered through two different minds.

Why is this important to understand?

The thing is, these filters can cause us a lot of anxiety, confusion, and frustration. When we believe our version of reality is the true version, anyone who does not see it the same is either arguing with us or not understanding. Not to mention the fact that like in the above scenario, we cause ourselves a lot of stress … for no reason at all.

I have personally been on this journey of coming off autopilot and it has been an eye-opening one. There are so many things that I just accepted as fact about myself and my world, I never questioned the validity of these stories. Having the tools I have now, I am defining who I am on my own terms, it is no longer my mind that dictates who I “need to”, “have to” or “should be” or the stories that I listen to. It is me who makes the choice and I make the choice based on what is best for me, authentically, not what my mind is telling me, and that is empowering! Don’t get me wrong, I still have the filters. The difference now is they are not running in the shadows controlling how I show up in my life, rather, I make conscious choices on how I want to view and operate in my world. That to me is true power and the start of living an authentic life!

Interested in coming off autopilot? Or just want more information, check out the ReDefine You! On Your Terms! self-guided program.

And remember….

Finally…Happy Birthday to Me!

Posted on April 14, 2018April 14, 2018

Just over a week ago, I celebrated my birthday and this year was completely different than it had been from other birthdays. I would have to say that this was probably the first time since I was a child that I felt like I wanted to celebrate me because I am worth it! That is new and a reflection of the work I have been doing on myself over the past years, and man does it feel good!

I am sure I am not the only one out there who on their birthday feels like it’s not that big of a deal or they minimize it in some other way. Most of my friends are that way, well, all accept one. She is the friend who refers to her birthday as her “princess day” and, to be honest, I never really could relate to that. I would think often think “Come on, we are adults!” But now I finally get it! This “princess day”, I actually felt the excitement that a child feels on their birthday. The biggest difference this year is that I believe and have embraced that I am a good person who has talents and strengths and am a unique individual and who deserves to be celebrated (we all do)!

When you look at kids, they are so ecstatic about their birthdays. They feel special on their day and they really do celebrate themselves. Why does this change? At what age do we start to accept that we are not really that special and that our birthday just means we are another year older? What is it that makes us feel that we do not deserve or are not that big of a deal that we should not celebrate who we are?

I think that the difference is that we start to develop versions of ourselves that are not authentically us, as we get older. We begin to take on the expected behaviors that we observe in the world around us. We start to learn that we are not alright and that we need to do, be, or act better. For me, this is the beginning of us feeling that we are not good enough and start believing that we need to be better. If we feel we need to be better and that we need to step up our game because we are not good enough, then why would we celebrate our mediocrity?

This couldn’t be further from the truth! We are all good enough in our own ways and these internalized versions of how we need to be better are just that – they are stories that we tell ourselves that keep us chasing the carrot. There is far too much information on how this happens to go into in this short blog, but to prove it does happen, look at a child and see their pure joy! For example, my niece and nephew dance, play, run and laugh freely. They don’t stifle their laugh because they have been told it is “too loud” or “obnoxious”. They don’t worry about what their dancing looks like because someone has told them they are doing it wrong or that people don’t dance that way or that they look silly dancing. They just dance freely! They play and create games that don’t always make sense, but they are having fun nonetheless. I think we have got it all backwards. Kids are the prime example of what it means to live freely and authentically, but the older they get, the more they buy into the stories/lessons that they are being taught by society and then they start to lose their authentic selves, like most of us have. They start to believe that they laugh too loud, they dance too silly, that their games and imaginations don’t make sense, and they start to hide away these pieces of themselves that do not fit the mold. And after years of hiding them away, as adults, they feel like who they are is not good enough and that they don’t measure up. This creates the scenario where they no longer celebrate themselves because, again, why would you celebrate someone who is not good enough and doesn’t measure up?!

So, I say celebrate yourself! Celebrate your birthday this year because it is a special day. You, unlike anyone else, were born into this world with a unique set of gifts, talents, quirks, and beauty, so why would we not celebrate something that rare?! There is no one else like you and that is something to celebrate, you’re one of a kind! In other areas of life we certainly celebrate rareness, so why not with ourselves?

So, no matter when your birthday is this year, Happy Birthday! Celebrate the wonderfulness that is you! If your birthday has passed, have a do-over, you deserve it! You may even feel like I did this year – happy to be celebrating and grateful for all those people who celebrated who I am with me!