Life has taken me on a wild ride with many ups and downs, and the last four years, I would say that one of the destinations on this journey has been to live with a whole open heart. I have always been considered a very caring person, but I can say now that I was not living with an open heart, I had put a protective barrier around my heart that did not allow me to feel as deeply as I was capable of. I say this with no self-judgment as I know this was/is part of my life lessons.
This protective barrier (as I realized in meditation) was like a clay shell around my heart that blocked or at very least filtered the amount of love I could receive or the amount of love I was capable of giving. I made a decision after Woody (my husband) passed that I did not want to restrict my life anymore … no regrets! Specifically, the choice to open my heart naturally evolved during the work I had been doing on myself since that decision.
In this process, I realized I was not fully living, with a closed heart, and I wanted to change that! So I started to follow the signs from the Universe and started this journey to open my heart. Through meditation and doing personal growth work, it became evident that in order to have the life I wanted, I needed to be vulnerable, I needed to open my heart, despite the fear. And that is what I did!
It was a long process that I won’t go through here but what I will say is that it took a lot of trust in myself and the Universe, and definitely perseverance… at times it still does! It’s not easy being vulnerable, and at times it still feels scary to be this open, but having lived with a protected heart, the alternative is no longer an option (for me)!
My personal growth work thus far required me to do A LOT of healing the past. I did this with the support of my coaches, my friends and family, and to be honest, it was not nearly as difficult as I had anticipated and built up in my head (isn’t that always the way it is). That’s the thing fear had kept me from opening my heart, but not living with an open heart doesn’t save us from heartache; it only limits us from fully experiencing love. To me, losing out on that experience is way worse than any heartbreak could cause.
As I mentioned earlier, I was led through my journey with signs from the Universe. To me, these signs appear as repeat messages or things that pop up in life that would draw my attention to what needed to be healed, what habits need to be changed, and what thinking needed to be reset. I followed the breadcrumbs, did the work all the while trying to be patient with the process (not one of my strengths)! One day, in meditation, it came clear to me that this protective clay shell had crumbled away, well at least 90% of it had. I felt at this time that I needed to have patience, and I was not overly concerned about the remaining 10%, I felt that would come when it was ready … I had already come so far.
Then one night as I sat working on my computer my phone buzzed beside me with a ring tone, I was not familiar with, I looked down and instantly had a violent physical reaction. My body started shaking, and I was in a full-on anxiety attack. I took a deep breath and looked again at the FB notification. It was a friend request from an ex-boyfriend. Not just any ex but one that was extremely emotionally abusive, the depths of which I am sure I can’t even recall now! My physical reaction was enough for me to realize I needed to do some work here. The Universe was sending me a message! It was inviting me to look at this past relationship.
At this point, I wasn’t clear that this was related to my work in opening my heart, but what happened next made that crystal clear. After collecting myself, reassuring myself I was safe and speaking to my supports; I knew I needed to look at this past relationship.
I recognized I either needed to do the healing work myself, or I was being invited to heal that part of me with him (as I am much stronger now than I have ever been) and felt that maybe this was an invitation to have a conversation with him. I decided to sleep on it.
When I went to bed that night, I did a meditation to balance my chakras and in that meditation, it became clear that this was more work on clearing my heart chakra and opening my heart. It was so cool! I literally could see the remaining protected 10% of my heart closed off, it appeared black, to this day I can even point out exactly where it was, it was so vivid!
Through the meditation, I asked my heart to release and open and did some self-compassion work to create that safe place for me to heal. When I did this, the black part crumbled away and for the first time in as long as I can remember, my heart was open! Genuinely open to give and receive love.
I determined at this point the friend invite was all I needed, it served as a reminder to something I had long ago suppressed. I did the healing on my own, I did not feel a need to speak to him. The next day I deleted the friend request with thoughts of peace and compassion for him on his journey and happiness and gratitude for this experience.
Since then, I feel my heart is open, fully open and that is amazing! It still feels vulnerable (and scary at times), but I would rather feel vulnerable than not fully experience my life. Having an open heart means, I feel at a deeper level all the beautiful feelings of gratitude, love, and happiness and that is worth the moments of fear that come along with being vulnerable and open.
I wrote this blog as I hope it will help some of you out there who, like me, are not living with an open heart who are limiting their experiences for fear of being broken hearted. I think there are a lot of us who have numbed our hearts and let me tell you I get it, but having experienced the other side, it really is worth taking that risk! My advice having been on this journey … take that chance!